BHAPS & Husbands

So i've talked about these before.  BHAPS.  BIG HAIRY AUDACIOUS PRAYERS.

Former BHAPS include: a reliable cheap car when mine wrecked, a digital camera when mine broke, a cute house in a good neighborhood (with several specific requests including an ice maker in the freezer), then a DSLR camera, then a mac, then another car.

God has answered EACH of those things with BETTER than I asked for.  He has provided in ways I couldn't even have imagined at the time.  So why am I so hesitant of continuing to ask... or even to put out there (like I've done in the past) that I'm asking?  I have no idea- but this post was SO hard to start!!!

So that is what this post is about.  Another BHAP.  This is my current one... A Husband.

This isn't a "I'm 30 and single and need a man to complete me." or a "gotta find a dad for Nate before he's too old" or even a "i'm tired of everyone getting engaged around me and its my turn." Honestly, its none of those things.  Its more that I am ready to share all of my life with someone, all of me with someone.  I want a best friend and a partner - in life and in ministry.

I feel like the Lord has taken me through a lot of things in the last several years.  He has solidified my identity in Him (not that I won't need reminders every now and then!) and He has given me just an overwhelming peace and joy in Him.  He's placed me in a community that runs towards Him and that encourages me to do the same.  He's restored me from confusion, desolation, brokenness.  He has healed relationships in my family.  He has deepened my friendships. He has taught me a little about submission.  He's shown me what it is to love someone unconditionally and that it isn't easy.   He has opened my eyes to people around me.  He has given me a heart to pray for people I care for, marriages I care for, families I care for. He has shown me purpose and vision.

So now that I feel like I'm complete & I'm sure of what I want, where I am, who He is in Me, & of who I am... I'm whole.  (or at least moving towards wholeness) - its not so much that I'm dying to 'not be alone' or even the "gotta find mister RIGHT. "  I just want to share who I am, what I love, etc with a man the way God intended.

In Genesis He saw what He made and it was good... but then he saw it wasn't good for man to be alone.  Even the sinless man who lived in perfect community with God.  He gave his first 'son' the gift of a wife - created just for him.  To my knowledge, Adam didn't even ASK for it... but God met his need for relationship anyway.  Thats just how He is!  

I'm part of a lifegroup that is full of younger married couples (most with 1 or more kids) and I feel like its EXACTLY the group I'm supposed to be part of... I love the depth, I love watching the kids, the families interact, etc... and yet- I feel like part of me is missing when I'm there.  Dont get me wrong- I am not saying I dont fit in... I"m saying I LITERALLY feel like I'm missing something that is supposed to be there - like I'm there but my right arm isn't.  It is the weirdest thing. It doesn't create discontentment in me... but more a just a deep hope and longing for that 'right arm' to be part of the group as well. 

He has given me desires and visions for my future.  Even for my community, my lifegroup, etc.  Those dreams desires involve a faithful man that will stand beside me, raise a family with me, run after God with me.  I believe my dreams are good.  They are valid.  Its valid for me to want 1-2 more kids (and even valid for Nate to want a brother and a sister as he so freely tells people).  And my daddy God who loves me more perfectly than my earthly father could or more completely than I could love Nate wants to give me things that would delight my heart.  Why else would he have given me new cameras and a great car and the perfect little house in a cul de sac with an ice maker? BECAUSE He LOVES Me!

So because He loves me, I'm going to continue to ask for what my heart desires.

And until I see it, in Faith, I'm going to talk about it, actively ask, actively pray and KNOCK [pound!?] on the door of heaven that he would meet my current BHAP better than I ever could imagine.  I'd appreciate your prayers and wisdom as well... (and would love it if you'd comment your thoughts on this post so I don't feel so weird putting it all out there not knowing who read it!!! :)


And as a side note- if anyone feels led to introduce me to or set me up with a single Man of God who loves to worship and  who's heart beats for the Lord... I'm open to blind dates! :)

Because I must!

Ok so my blog is boring!!  Really.  I started it bc that way I could have a central place w EVERYONES blog address and could see at a glance who updated so I didn't waste my days checking every individual address just longing for a post to read.  Not sure why... but I did do taht for a while!! :)

So then... I decided to keep track of my journey to "become a runner" but kinda gave up that vision.... then it was to track how I was making changes to be healthy... but I"m not doing great in that area either.  So then it was more about spiritual change/growth and sweet things God has done lately to show me He loves me... like answering my BHAPS (see lots of earlier posts for stories of His faithfulness and provision)...

I didn't want it to be the typical mom/family/brag about your kid blog... though i'm not sure why bc I don't miss a SINGLE post of all of you bloggers that I stalk on the left side of my page.  Somehow I just feel like my life wouldn't be that exciting... or maybe its that there's too much pressure to keep it up... or... who knows!!

So now I'm not sure what to do with it... and pretty sure no one really even reads it...

But one thing I"m fairly certain of (judging from the way my heart is pounding now just at the thought of typing the next entry)... I'm supposed to blog about a specific prayer that has been on my heart.  I felt like God told me to be vulnerable... to put myself out there.  But I dont want to!!!

I really dont want to type the next blog.  I want to be obedient.  But I reallly really really dont want to type what I feel like I'm supposed to.  And more than that- I dont want to click the big orange "PUBLISH POST" button when I finish it.  Its really not THAT big of a deal and so logically i know this... however... for some reason it totally freaks me out to type something personal and post it without having control over who reads it, or even KNOW who reads it...

So... stay tuned to see if God wins or the Anxiety wins!! Hopefully God will win bc I know that His way is always better... and he ALWAYS wants the best for me.  I know this... but the anxiety is still there.  You guys are going to think its silly when the post actually comes... but to me, its kinda a big deal.

BHAPS & Mac's!

Remember how I said I was gonna start praying that someone would give me a mac???

Well... guess what? I got one last night... it needs a replacement battery bc it won't work w out being plugged in- but its an iBook G4!

I'm SO excited!! I dont know taht I really BELIEVED I'd ACTUALLY be GIVEN a MAC Laptop!!

SO now- i just need the software and to get used to the differences of a Mac vs Pc and I'm on my way! :)
 Isn't God Cool??? i just wanted to share w you guys!

On Becoming a Photographer

I just got (another) camera!!

This one is the BEST yet!

I am now the proud owner of a DSLR camera!!! (after wanting one since a college class in 03!)  Its a Canon Rebel XT - so an older one - prob from '05ish... but hey- it looks like its in decent condition, and it works!! :) AND it was free!!!!!!!!

How did I get it free you ask?? Well, I got a little bit of money for my bday and decided I was going to put it towards a used DSLR.  So I posted on FB asking ppl what models they liked, etc and this guy from High School who I was in band with (he was a Sr when I was a freshman and I was friends with his sister) saw my facebook post asking for advice on what used DSLR to look for, etc.  So he messages me and says- you can just have mine!

He lives in AZ and even paid to ship the camera.  It was a CANON REBEL XT camera body with battery in it & strap... no lens, no battery charger/cords/memory card/case/manual/etc...

In college I took a photography class and had to buy and SLR camera.  I got the Canon Rebel film version bc digital was just getting more popular and it was super expensive.  I also had a Camera bag already for this camera in college!  The bag will work PERFECTLY for all my new stuff- cool huh!?

AND luckily my old FILM Rebel kit zoom lens fit on it - so all i needed to start shooting was a memory card!!  I knew I would need a battery charger soon too!  So I checked out the battery and started researching what charger I'd need to order, etc.  Even thought about getting an extra battery at some point... chargers were about $70, batteries $35 ish.  

HOWEVER an extra bonus- the camera a friend gave me that stopped working - the Canon G9 - it had a chargeable battery (with the charger) in it... well the battery is the SAME exact one that this new camera uses meaning - I have 2 batteries and a charger already!! :) Praise the LORD! :)

Oh AND did I mention I already owned a CF card reader from my very first Digital camera (that i haven't used in years!!) and i knew where it was?!  Cool huh!? :)

I quickly bought a new lens to play with also- its the 50mm 1.8 that most of my friends use to get the awesome portaits with a "blurry" bg!  I found it locally at Competitive Camera in dallas for 99.95+ tax!

AND i realized I didn't have a cord to hook the camera to the TV - so I found one of those online.  I also found a Memory card converter that will convert a regular SD card (I have like 4 of these already) to CF format in your camera.  I felt like I would rather invest a little in a converter and be able to use the small, easy to find SD cards in my camera instead of the older, more rare CF cards.  I take LOTS of pics and now that I'll be shooting in RAW, I'll need more space!!

So this is what I've spent for my camera so far:

Memory Card: $26

50mm f/1.8 lens: $108.00

A/V video cable: $10

CF to SD card converter: $16

Grand total: $160.00

Can you believe it?!! I've spent $160 and I now have everything that follows for my camera:

Canon Rebel XT 8.1 mp complete with Camera bag, Kit Lens, 50mm Lens, 2 batteries, a charger, a video cord, a 4gb CF memory card, a card reader, SD to CF converter, numerous SD cards.

I'm so excited!!! God is SOOO good to me!!  Can't wait to start bettering my photography skills!!

I think I'm gonna start praying for a MAC Laptop with Adobe CS5!!  Bring on the BHAP! :) (big hairy audacious prayers) and lets see what God wants to do!

Shame

This morning - I heard Nate get up as I was in the other room.  Typically, he will get up, go potty and come find me - either to snuggle w me in my bed if I'm not quite up yet, or to give me a hug when i'm on the couch spending time w Jesus, or will at the very least poke his head in the room I'm in and smile.  All of this usually happens w in the first 15 min he's awake.

Today, he never came to say good morning or give me my hug.  After about 30 min (I was spending time w the Lord w my sweet friend LeeAnn) I went in to find him sitting in his undies and the t-shirt he slept in playing beside his bed with all the clothes (that we so carefully put ON the bed last night for easier sorting for me this wkd) strewn on either side of the floor. 

Come to find out- he had wet the bed last night and was searching for pants that were to his liking (Jeans w out holes in the knee- a rarity at our house).  When he couldn't find a pair, he just resolved to stay in his room and play.

I realized he never came to me because he was ashamed.  Ashamed he had wet the bed, and then ashamed he couldn't cover it up by finding clothes to his liking, and maybe even ashamed he'd made the mess w all the clothes everywhere after we just cleaned up last night.   So in his shame - he decided to just sit and play (in hiding) and never come seek me out. 

When I found him - not dressed and just playing after being up for so long, he looked at me almost as if he'd been caught doing something bad. The main reason I sought him out was because I missed the morning with him! I missed being the first one he ran to! I missed his little "I Love You Mommy"!  I missed his big hug and contented silence as he just let me wrap my arms around him tight and squeeze him.

How often do we do this with God?

How often- once we make a mistake, either accidentally or deliberately even, do we distance ourselves from Him? 

Maybe its because of fear of punishment, maybe because of shame or disappointment in ourselves, maybe just because we're embarassed bc its not the first time and its messy... but regardless- How often do we choose NOT run in to say "Good Morning God" bc we only see our junk and assume he does too?  How much does HE miss us?! How much is he sad/hurt that we didn't run STRAIGHT to him first thing?  How much does he want to help us clean up our mess, "put our pants back on", and move on to the rest of the day? How much does he want to hug us and tell us he still LOVES us - no matter how many times we 'wet the bed'?

Its crazy to me that the hiding and shame thing is so instinctual.  We dont TEACH our kids that- do we? We don't usually have insane consequences for thier trials.... and yet- they still hide and even lie sometimes when faced with 'sin'.  I think sometimes they know its the 5th or 12th time they've had the same issue and they FEEL instinctively that they should "have it" by now.   Don't we do that too!?  Don't we disqualify ourselves from being used by God just bc we did THAT again?

I am sure that is not what our daddy wants.  I am SURE that he LOVES us no matter what.  I am SURE that any problem we have or mistake we make can be made right SO much quicker with HIS help, His perspective, HIS grace.  I think he's more sad when we dont RUN to Him w our mistakes and instead run away from Him in hiding.

So my question to you is: do you believe you CAN run to him?  And do you believe (even the 20th time) that when you make mistakes and sin that he still LOVES you and LONGS for your hug in the morning, your smile, your voice saying "I Love You"? 

I think I'm starting to.

Just a thought...

In case you're wondering - I'm ok. Relatively speaking. God is doing stuff in me and I've faced some trials recently that I would have rather run away from than faced... But I've faced them.. and mostly got through relatively unharmed...

On another of the blogs I read daily (the Daniel Fam) I was struck by something her husband told her... this is totally a paraphrase... but when she was stressing about the future and about planning for tomorrow and trying to figure stuff out, he reminded her that the situation they are in (preemie in NICU in D.C.) is not a punishment from God for something they did "wrong".

How often do I feel like GOd is punishing me for bad choices like I would punish my son and that his punishment is x,y, and z hard trial. So then, I was just reminded of the following verse... one of my ALL TIME FAV's...

James 1 vs 2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

"Consider it PURE JOY when you face trials". Not just Joy. Pure joy. I think about that like the kind of joy that a small child has when they play with their favorite toy or get their favorite food or see their mommies after being away from them for a week, a day, an hour! He wants us to act like a child w their favorite things when we are in the middle of tough stuff. I haven't felt like a child lately... But I believe His way is best and I believe that He can be trusted (well I dont TOTALLY believe I can trust Him right now... honestly... but I"m trying to.)

He continues saying that the testing of our Faith (in Him, in things we can't see, etc) will lead to perseverance and maturity. He wants us to be MATURE and COMPLETE... lacking NOTHING. Sometimes I wish he'd just let me be incomplete bc maybe it wouldn't be so hard or hurt so bad... but I have to believe His ways are best. And to even be thankful that he cares enough to finish what he started in me... he doesn't want to give up. He doesn't want to have a 1/2 completed masterpiece.

I think about my recent fliers and publications I've done at work... and how I want to complete them... make them into EXACTLY what I had envisioned... even if it takes me 1/2 the morning after I think its "done" to make it "COMPLETE"... resize a font here, add a graphic there, change some colors, etc. Then Finally... finally... its complete. It lacks nothing. I'm satisfied and even proud of the work I finished.. but it doesn't happen instantly. It takes time... and then just when you get it close to what it should look like... there's even more "tweaking".

Why don't I trust him to finish "tweaking" me?

That passage continues with : 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

So if I doubt Him.... if I doubt His word is truth.... if I doubt He wants the best for me... if I doubt His plans... I"m "double minded" and shouldnt' expect to receive ANYTHING from the Lord.

OUCH!

So maybe I'll get to work on this trust thing. Maybe I'll give up my "right to understand" as Lori said below (in Trust #3) and then maybe I'll believe its worth it. Maybe I'll believe I'm not being punished... and that he's holding me when I'm sad and hasn't abandoned me ever... even for a moment... Maybe. It seems so hard right now.

Then I keep reading in James...

12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Maybe its worth it... I mean... I'm pretty sure it is. The Crown of Life seems pretty cool.... I want to look back and say I stood the test... I guess only time will tell!