Friday, February 25, 2011

BHAPS & Husbands

So i've talked about these before.  BHAPS.  BIG HAIRY AUDACIOUS PRAYERS.

Former BHAPS include: a reliable cheap car when mine wrecked, a digital camera when mine broke, a cute house in a good neighborhood (with several specific requests including an ice maker in the freezer), then a DSLR camera, then a mac, then another car.

God has answered EACH of those things with BETTER than I asked for.  He has provided in ways I couldn't even have imagined at the time.  So why am I so hesitant of continuing to ask... or even to put out there (like I've done in the past) that I'm asking?  I have no idea- but this post was SO hard to start!!!

So that is what this post is about.  Another BHAP.  This is my current one... A Husband.

This isn't a "I'm 30 and single and need a man to complete me." or a "gotta find a dad for Nate before he's too old" or even a "i'm tired of everyone getting engaged around me and its my turn." Honestly, its none of those things.  Its more that I am ready to share all of my life with someone, all of me with someone.  I want a best friend and a partner - in life and in ministry.

I feel like the Lord has taken me through a lot of things in the last several years.  He has solidified my identity in Him (not that I won't need reminders every now and then!) and He has given me just an overwhelming peace and joy in Him.  He's placed me in a community that runs towards Him and that encourages me to do the same.  He's restored me from confusion, desolation, brokenness.  He has healed relationships in my family.  He has deepened my friendships. He has taught me a little about submission.  He's shown me what it is to love someone unconditionally and that it isn't easy.   He has opened my eyes to people around me.  He has given me a heart to pray for people I care for, marriages I care for, families I care for. He has shown me purpose and vision.

So now that I feel like I'm complete & I'm sure of what I want, where I am, who He is in Me, & of who I am... I'm whole.  (or at least moving towards wholeness) - its not so much that I'm dying to 'not be alone' or even the "gotta find mister RIGHT. "  I just want to share who I am, what I love, etc with a man the way God intended.

In Genesis He saw what He made and it was good... but then he saw it wasn't good for man to be alone.  Even the sinless man who lived in perfect community with God.  He gave his first 'son' the gift of a wife - created just for him.  To my knowledge, Adam didn't even ASK for it... but God met his need for relationship anyway.  Thats just how He is!  

I'm part of a lifegroup that is full of younger married couples (most with 1 or more kids) and I feel like its EXACTLY the group I'm supposed to be part of... I love the depth, I love watching the kids, the families interact, etc... and yet- I feel like part of me is missing when I'm there.  Dont get me wrong- I am not saying I dont fit in... I"m saying I LITERALLY feel like I'm missing something that is supposed to be there - like I'm there but my right arm isn't.  It is the weirdest thing. It doesn't create discontentment in me... but more a just a deep hope and longing for that 'right arm' to be part of the group as well. 

He has given me desires and visions for my future.  Even for my community, my lifegroup, etc.  Those dreams desires involve a faithful man that will stand beside me, raise a family with me, run after God with me.  I believe my dreams are good.  They are valid.  Its valid for me to want 1-2 more kids (and even valid for Nate to want a brother and a sister as he so freely tells people).  And my daddy God who loves me more perfectly than my earthly father could or more completely than I could love Nate wants to give me things that would delight my heart.  Why else would he have given me new cameras and a great car and the perfect little house in a cul de sac with an ice maker? BECAUSE He LOVES Me!

So because He loves me, I'm going to continue to ask for what my heart desires.

And until I see it, in Faith, I'm going to talk about it, actively ask, actively pray and KNOCK [pound!?] on the door of heaven that he would meet my current BHAP better than I ever could imagine.  I'd appreciate your prayers and wisdom as well... (and would love it if you'd comment your thoughts on this post so I don't feel so weird putting it all out there not knowing who read it!!! :)

And as a side note- if anyone feels led to introduce me to or set me up with a single Man of God who loves to worship and  who's heart beats for the Lord... I'm open to blind dates! :)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Because I must!

Ok so my blog is boring!!  Really.  I started it bc that way I could have a central place w EVERYONES blog address and could see at a glance who updated so I didn't waste my days checking every individual address just longing for a post to read.  Not sure why... but I did do taht for a while!! :)

So then... I decided to keep track of my journey to "become a runner" but kinda gave up that vision.... then it was to track how I was making changes to be healthy... but I"m not doing great in that area either.  So then it was more about spiritual change/growth and sweet things God has done lately to show me He loves me... like answering my BHAPS (see lots of earlier posts for stories of His faithfulness and provision)...

I didn't want it to be the typical mom/family/brag about your kid blog... though i'm not sure why bc I don't miss a SINGLE post of all of you bloggers that I stalk on the left side of my page.  Somehow I just feel like my life wouldn't be that exciting... or maybe its that there's too much pressure to keep it up... or... who knows!!

So now I'm not sure what to do with it... and pretty sure no one really even reads it...

But one thing I"m fairly certain of (judging from the way my heart is pounding now just at the thought of typing the next entry)... I'm supposed to blog about a specific prayer that has been on my heart.  I felt like God told me to be vulnerable... to put myself out there.  But I dont want to!!!

I really dont want to type the next blog.  I want to be obedient.  But I reallly really really dont want to type what I feel like I'm supposed to.  And more than that- I dont want to click the big orange "PUBLISH POST" button when I finish it.  Its really not THAT big of a deal and so logically i know this... however... for some reason it totally freaks me out to type something personal and post it without having control over who reads it, or even KNOW who reads it...

So... stay tuned to see if God wins or the Anxiety wins!! Hopefully God will win bc I know that His way is always better... and he ALWAYS wants the best for me.  I know this... but the anxiety is still there.  You guys are going to think its silly when the post actually comes... but to me, its kinda a big deal.