Former BHAPS include: a reliable cheap car when mine wrecked, a digital camera when mine broke, a cute house in a good neighborhood (with several specific requests including an ice maker in the freezer), then a DSLR camera, then a mac, then another car.
God has answered EACH of those things with BETTER than I asked for. He has provided in ways I couldn't even have imagined at the time. So why am I so hesitant of continuing to ask... or even to put out there (like I've done in the past) that I'm asking? I have no idea- but this post was SO hard to start!!!
So that is what this post is about. Another BHAP. This is my current one... A Husband.
This isn't a "I'm 30 and single and need a man to complete me." or a "gotta find a dad for Nate before he's too old" or even a "i'm tired of everyone getting engaged around me and its my turn." Honestly, its none of those things. Its more that I am ready to share all of my life with someone, all of me with someone. I want a best friend and a partner - in life and in ministry.
I feel like the Lord has taken me through a lot of things in the last several years. He has solidified my identity in Him (not that I won't need reminders every now and then!) and He has given me just an overwhelming peace and joy in Him. He's placed me in a community that runs towards Him and that encourages me to do the same. He's restored me from confusion, desolation, brokenness. He has healed relationships in my family. He has deepened my friendships. He has taught me a little about submission. He's shown me what it is to love someone unconditionally and that it isn't easy. He has opened my eyes to people around me. He has given me a heart to pray for people I care for, marriages I care for, families I care for. He has shown me purpose and vision.
So now that I feel like I'm complete & I'm sure of what I want, where I am, who He is in Me, & of who I am... I'm whole. (or at least moving towards wholeness) - its not so much that I'm dying to 'not be alone' or even the "gotta find mister RIGHT. " I just want to share who I am, what I love, etc with a man the way God intended.
In Genesis He saw what He made and it was good... but then he saw it wasn't good for man to be alone. Even the sinless man who lived in perfect community with God. He gave his first 'son' the gift of a wife - created just for him. To my knowledge, Adam didn't even ASK for it... but God met his need for relationship anyway. Thats just how He is!
I'm part of a lifegroup that is full of younger married couples (most with 1 or more kids) and I feel like its EXACTLY the group I'm supposed to be part of... I love the depth, I love watching the kids, the families interact, etc... and yet- I feel like part of me is missing when I'm there. Dont get me wrong- I am not saying I dont fit in... I"m saying I LITERALLY feel like I'm missing something that is supposed to be there - like I'm there but my right arm isn't. It is the weirdest thing. It doesn't create discontentment in me... but more a just a deep hope and longing for that 'right arm' to be part of the group as well.
He has given me desires and visions for my future. Even for my community, my lifegroup, etc. Those dreams desires involve a faithful man that will stand beside me, raise a family with me, run after God with me. I believe my dreams are good. They are valid. Its valid for me to want 1-2 more kids (and even valid for Nate to want a brother and a sister as he so freely tells people). And my daddy God who loves me more perfectly than my earthly father could or more completely than I could love Nate wants to give me things that would delight my heart. Why else would he have given me new cameras and a great car and the perfect little house in a cul de sac with an ice maker? BECAUSE He LOVES Me!
So because He loves me, I'm going to continue to ask for what my heart desires.
And until I see it, in Faith, I'm going to talk about it, actively ask, actively pray and KNOCK [pound!?] on the door of heaven that he would meet my current BHAP better than I ever could imagine. I'd appreciate your prayers and wisdom as well... (and would love it if you'd comment your thoughts on this post so I don't feel so weird putting it all out there not knowing who read it!!! :)
And as a side note- if anyone feels led to introduce me to or set me up with a single Man of God who loves to worship and who's heart beats for the Lord... I'm open to blind dates! :)