Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Defeat & Death and Katie.

ok so I know its been a while since I've posted... (It always annoys me when ppl post excuses and appologies when I read blogs... and yet- here I've done it.)

I haven't been doing a lot of running or anything lately- minus a 30 min workout in Mexico when we visited Nate's dad several weeks ago... so i felt like I didn't have anything to post. I felt defeated. I started this blog about "who I was becoming" because we are all works in progress... and I really hoped it would end with me being like "WorkoutMommy" or at least sorta fit... or maybe having dropped a few sizes and lbs... But so far I'm still not making a lot of progress in that area. I was so determined... but now it just doesn't seem to be possible, worth the effort, doable, etc. I feel defeated sorta... and only by my own self... only by my own lack of discipline....

However, I have a LOT going on in other areas... and so I've decided while I haven't spent much time on my physical self lately... i've really been growing and learning in my emotional and spiritual self. I wish they were all 3 meshed together and you couldn't grow one without the other... but honestly it just takes a LOT of effort/time/energy/insert other excuse here to do it all.

So for now... I'll give you a short update on the rest of me (as if anyone really was waiting for the next blog or hanging on baited breath to see what TIFFANY is doing... ) and then I'll send you to somewhere REALLY worthwhile... a blog I happened upon this morning that left me in tears and changed (in a good way.)

So after a season of stepping back from a lot of activities/leadership/etc and really trying to enjoy myself, Nate, God, Friends, etc (those are totally in the wrong order... ) I felt called to do "Elevate". Its a discipleship training school at my church. We will learn a lot, read a lot, memorize scripture, grow closer together, and really seek to serve the Lord outside of ourselves. I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I haven't done much of the above on my own so the good Lord has led me to a school where I'll be FORCED to grow. I use forced in a good way... This is going to be tough though. I'm not really very disciplined... (see above paragraphs about working out.) I've squeaked by in life, and managed to do ok at stuff... I've done enough to just get by... nothing too outstanding.. I do whats required and not much more. I'm selfish. Really. I am. I dont love people well. I judge others and have pride in my heart at things that I have no right to feel pride for. I want to serve- but on MY terms(read: enough to get by and complete a checklist), not the Lords (complete abandonment).

I'm overwhelmed. This is going to be a tough year. I'm going to have to DIE to myself. DIE. Every single day. Die to my plans. Die to my wants. But really- I'm 29 yrs old. I've known God since I was 6. Its kinda ridiculous that its taken me 23 years to realize its time to DIE. My only comfort is that Jesus started his ministry at 30... he did a ton in 3 short years... surely there's hope for me to change my 'norm'. Surely. I want to change it. I want to become CRAZY for HIM! I want to do things the world thinks are totally absurd for HIM. I want to love people for HIM. I want to get out of my own head and into the hearts of others FOR HIM. I want to stop judging people FOR HIM. I want to be an intercessor FOR HIM. I want it all FOR HIM! I want to change the world FOR HIM!
and then... i realize that means sacrifice... and that means death. Death to MY dreams, MY desires- because they are not His desires. They aren't.
and then... I'm scared. Scared of failing... and even scared of succeeding. I'm scared about what that would even look like. And I'm scared that when I get there- I'll decide the cost was too great. But could it ever REALLY be too great?! The church answer is def not. My real answer- I'm not sure.

So here we are at the beginning of a journey that I believe is going to be good... that I intentionally placed myself on... intentionally not knowing what it was going to require and now feeling completely overwhelmed.

Speaking of overwhelming... I just found a blog today through one of my friends from BRH days at Baylor, Jenny Chisolm Simmons of Addison Road. Jenny's blog is great- she's a new mommy and she shares with such REALness and humor the not-so-glam world of being in a hit band, following God at all costs and her struggle with the good and the bad. I LOVE reading her posts and I'm pretty sure you will too! HOWEVER, today- she had an entire post of reaction to someone else- Katie. See Jenny's blog about Katie here:

So if you didn't read Jenny's summary of Katie and her blog... at least click on Katie's blog. She's just a girl who grew up in the South, and now serves God in Africa doing things she never would have been able to do on her own... and loving it. After reading her blog- my issues... dying to myself... finding a little discipline... they don't seem like that big of a deal. I'm going to be thinking about the things I read for a while... and then hopefully dying to myself and stepping out to do something for HIM.

Let me know what you think. I'd love to hear your perspective.

Tiffany, the dying one.

1 comment:

  1. dying is a hard deal in all areas! BUT oh the fruit and blossoming that comes after it! way to seek Jesus in it! praying for the journey