Shame

This morning - I heard Nate get up as I was in the other room.  Typically, he will get up, go potty and come find me - either to snuggle w me in my bed if I'm not quite up yet, or to give me a hug when i'm on the couch spending time w Jesus, or will at the very least poke his head in the room I'm in and smile.  All of this usually happens w in the first 15 min he's awake.

Today, he never came to say good morning or give me my hug.  After about 30 min (I was spending time w the Lord w my sweet friend LeeAnn) I went in to find him sitting in his undies and the t-shirt he slept in playing beside his bed with all the clothes (that we so carefully put ON the bed last night for easier sorting for me this wkd) strewn on either side of the floor. 

Come to find out- he had wet the bed last night and was searching for pants that were to his liking (Jeans w out holes in the knee- a rarity at our house).  When he couldn't find a pair, he just resolved to stay in his room and play.

I realized he never came to me because he was ashamed.  Ashamed he had wet the bed, and then ashamed he couldn't cover it up by finding clothes to his liking, and maybe even ashamed he'd made the mess w all the clothes everywhere after we just cleaned up last night.   So in his shame - he decided to just sit and play (in hiding) and never come seek me out. 

When I found him - not dressed and just playing after being up for so long, he looked at me almost as if he'd been caught doing something bad. The main reason I sought him out was because I missed the morning with him! I missed being the first one he ran to! I missed his little "I Love You Mommy"!  I missed his big hug and contented silence as he just let me wrap my arms around him tight and squeeze him.

How often do we do this with God?

How often- once we make a mistake, either accidentally or deliberately even, do we distance ourselves from Him? 

Maybe its because of fear of punishment, maybe because of shame or disappointment in ourselves, maybe just because we're embarassed bc its not the first time and its messy... but regardless- How often do we choose NOT run in to say "Good Morning God" bc we only see our junk and assume he does too?  How much does HE miss us?! How much is he sad/hurt that we didn't run STRAIGHT to him first thing?  How much does he want to help us clean up our mess, "put our pants back on", and move on to the rest of the day? How much does he want to hug us and tell us he still LOVES us - no matter how many times we 'wet the bed'?

Its crazy to me that the hiding and shame thing is so instinctual.  We dont TEACH our kids that- do we? We don't usually have insane consequences for thier trials.... and yet- they still hide and even lie sometimes when faced with 'sin'.  I think sometimes they know its the 5th or 12th time they've had the same issue and they FEEL instinctively that they should "have it" by now.   Don't we do that too!?  Don't we disqualify ourselves from being used by God just bc we did THAT again?

I am sure that is not what our daddy wants.  I am SURE that he LOVES us no matter what.  I am SURE that any problem we have or mistake we make can be made right SO much quicker with HIS help, His perspective, HIS grace.  I think he's more sad when we dont RUN to Him w our mistakes and instead run away from Him in hiding.

So my question to you is: do you believe you CAN run to him?  And do you believe (even the 20th time) that when you make mistakes and sin that he still LOVES you and LONGS for your hug in the morning, your smile, your voice saying "I Love You"? 

I think I'm starting to.

Week 1, Day 4

Well we did another workout during lunch today at work! Me, Emily & Lisa pushed play again and made another healthy choice!

It was fun! I'm definitely gonna be working on a Workout Playlist that I can put on instead of the cheesy music in the BG of this dvd.  I know I'm more motivated when I can sing along to a good song and it makes the time pass by much quicker!

So tomorrow neither of the girls are here so I may or may not get a workout in at lunch.  If I dont', then I need to squeeze in 2 more over the weekend (the REAL test!)  If i do- then I think I'll prob do one Sat after breakfast and be done for the week and take Mothers Day off.

I'll post again tomorrow if I actually work out... otherwise you wont hear from me till monday... when hopefully i'll have news of 2 more workouts! :)

I did it!

I worked out. at home. after LG. during Nate's bath. in my house. BY MYSELF!!

Victory is MINE~! :)

I'm not even as sore today- i just really feel stronger! 

the girls at work all texted eachother last night to keep us accountable... if I hadn't had that- (and the blog world) to be accountable to - I'm pretty sure I would have just NOT done it!  But it was FUN actually... AND felt good to sweat!  AND my little man came and "worked out" with me! SO cute!! He was doing the kicks and the crunches and was so proud of himself!  Oh how it made me want to do more and be a GOOD example for him!!!

God blessed me in my workout! And then one of my very sweet friends came over last night just as I was finishing the workout- so I got to chat w her till the (too)late hours and it was super encouraging!! What a great Wednesday! :)

Week 1, Day 3

So we didn't work out at lunch today.  I went shopping, Lisa ran home, and Emily had to cover the daycare bc they were short staffed....
BUT the 3 of us made a PACT to do our respective Videos TONIGHT - no excuses!!!  So I'll report tomorrow if we actually all make it- hopefully it will be YES and I'll get through the whole first week of workouts!

Till tomorrow...
Tiff

Week 1 Day 2

Well, we did it again. Day 2 is a success I'd say.  And the great news is- the other 2 girls want to do this EVERY DAY! 5 days a week! Together! They are super motivated by the # on the scale and the contest and just wanting to be in better shape overall. 

Some parts seemed harder today- but some were definitely easier.  I did get a little light headed after a million Squats-so i stopped before I did shoulder & tricep moves...but I figure I prob need a few more calories in me before we do the workout- so my goal will be to adjust the eating a bit tomorrow.

Anyway- i think i want this to be my place of accountability.  So maybe I'll be blogging more... afterall- this is WHY i started this blog in the first place...
to talk about my journey to become more FIT! (and why it hasn't had a whole lot on it in the last yr after I gave up on running)

Biggest Loser

Swimsuit season is (too) rapidly approaching... as is the big 3-0 birthday (only 36 days away from TODAY! YIKES!) and while I'm not the BIGGEST size I've ever been - that was last yr- I haven't made a ton of effort/progress to get back to "normal" (whatever that is!)

So... since some of the ppl at work want to start an 8 wk Biggest Loser competition - I figure why not give it a shot and make some changes.  There's no better time than NOW! AND ppl are going to be doing it around me so I might as well- while I have some support.

So last week I got online at Beachbody where a friend of mine is a "coach" and looked around.  His wife (mom of 2- also 30) just completed Slim in 6 and so i emailed her for the real life- "how does that work w your busy schedule and 2 kids and is it really as good as it looks" perspective. 

This is an excerpt from her email:

You definitely have to be mentally prepared before starting a beach body workout because it definitely takes time!! I started with Sim in 6 and I think its a great beginning workout. It comes with 3 main workouts, a stretching workout, an ab workout, and 2 bonus workouts. You do the first one - Start it up till it becomes easy. I did it 3 days. Its only 26 minutes long. Then you go to Ramp it up, its 45 minutes long, and the finally burn it up and its an hr. I definitely struggled with the hr one as far as time goes but I mostly just did it when the kids went to bed.

Its not too much. I think its $60. Slim in 6 is a great way start - I had really good results!! I lost about 8 pounds almost right off the bat and I lost 2 dress sizes. I lost tons and tons of inches. When I started I could only do 5 pushups and by the time I was done I could 50. The good thing about Slim in 6 is it comes with everything you need.

So... I thought about it, prayed about it, and tried to decide if I was really mentally READY to commit to something like that; READY to make a change in my lifestyle and be more active.  After about a week, the thing that stuck in my mind is "2 dress sizes and tons & tons of inches."  Bc at the end of the day- i HONESTLY dont care about the numbers on the scale... I just want to feel good when I get dressed in the morning.  So finally- I bought it! It was about $70 after tax and shipping and arrived at my office yesterday.

A co-worker and I did the workout during lunchtime yesterday - so that was fun!  We started with the "Start it Up" video (which actually plays for 34 min - but still seems manageable).  It wasn't totally easy- though the moves are simple - its just the endurance that was tough.  I think I only did about 3 pushups in taht segment and def got tired during the lunges!  But it was fast paced and doable.  I think I'm gonna like it! 

This morning I'm a little sore in my obliques, inner & outer thigh, and shoulders... thats gotta be a good sign that SOMETHING is working- right?!  Today another girl is going to join us at lunch- so thats 3 girls trying to change together! (makes it SO much easier!)

I dont want to put too much on this in the early stages... bc its really easy for me to START stuff- but not as easy for me to FINISH!  SOOO... just wanted everyone to know that i STARTED yesterday... and we'll see how it goes.  I'm taking "Before" photos today and used the little tape measure they sent w the DVD's to measure everything too... bc i have a feeling i will see more inches come off than lbs... but we'll see. 

Biggest Loser at Shiloh ends on June 28th.  The one w the most % of weight lost gets cash! Cash is good! :) There will be a boy winner & a girl winner.  I'm gonna try my best!

He Speaks

So lately- I've been thinking about life and things we get ourselves into without really having any idea where they would lead or what they would mean.   Its easy to look back on certain decisions and say- Oh ya- of COURSE that was the right one.  I'm SO glad I chose it... and we forget the fight EVERYDAY inside of us on the way to make those choices.

I looked at my Fav Addison Road girl- Jenny's- blog this morning and the last part really struck me.  I'll copy the last part here but the entire blog can be found HERE

Did I have any idea what I was getting myself into? Did I have any clue that life would happen? Or did God protect me from that little piece of information?



Like he does before you have a baby.


Protects you from knowing how brutal the first few weeks will actually be with strange fluids, aching legs, sore breasts, the strange fear of defeat, utter exhaustion, and a complete certainty that the critter in the other room has stopped breathing.


Maybe that's how we do life. If we knew ahead of time, we would run. So, we live innocently. Freely. Without fear. And when we have to grow up. When we have to face the fire. When the flames get hot...


well, that's when we learn to fight another day.


We grow up because we have to.


But we are changed in the process... because we want to.

OBEDIENCE
I've been challenged recently in my obedience and I'm feeling rather introspective about it. 

Obedience is so much better than we believe.  We think we know best- I mean I know I do! (maybe I'm alone in that??)

"God- you mean you want me to go where? At what time? but WHY!? It doesn't make sense... don't you know that {x,y,z excuse for why its not a good idea or its not safe or its not worth it}... and you STILL want me to go!? Really?"

How often do we go through that and let the excuses and the logic out-weigh His Voice.

His Voice
 Do you know it? Are you SURE when you hear it?! How can you become sure? What if you're wrong? What if you made it up? Can you trust what you hear?

Now I know there are people at all different points in their journey with God and in the way they hear Him.  I've been on my own journey in this for the last few years.  I've LONGED for the intimacy I believe my friends have with my God.  I've STRUGGLED with insecurity bc maybe He just doesn't want to talk to me like He does to them.  I've FOUGHT for time to spend with Him when I feel like I'm not "getting anything".  I've WONDERED if i'm missing something or not good enough or 'spiritual enough' or something.  I've DOUBTED the things I did hear and been afraid to write them down bc maybe I got it wrong. 

BUT then through all the LONGING, the STRUGGLING, the FIGHTING, the WONDERING and the DOUBTING - I've LEARNED He wants to be found and He IS speaking.  All the time.

He is excited when i get up and run to Him- just like I'm delighted when Nate gets up in the morning and comes running to me for a hug before he starts his day.  Its sweet.  That small (seemingly insignificant but oh-so-natural little thing) lets me know Nate wanted to see ME first before doing anything else (except maybe the potty!) 

THAT is what God wants from us!! To LONG to run to His arms for a good morning hug.  To wake up and He's the first thing we think of. 

But HOW?
How do we program ourselves to naturally run to Him first?  How do we wake up with Him on our minds? 

I don't really know what the "secret" is or how you get there.  But I can tell you- I think I finally am there!  Its so much fun!! I want to spend time with Him! I want to acknowledge Him.  I WANT to read his word in the morning (AND TRUST ME- this is HUGE for me!) and not just to check off some bible study - but bc I KNOW he's going to love on me, to encourage me, and to go deeper with ME!

How did I get there?

Spending time with Him.  Genius right?!  Who would have thought that its by spending time with soemone that we REALLY get to know them and then by getting to know them WANT to spend more time with them.  Its such a FUN Catch 22!  I think its the BEST Catch 22 actually! 

But it has to start somewhere!

You have to make a CHOICE that you're going to seek him even when you

• dont feel like it.
• have skipped a day (or a week)
• dont think you're 'hearing' anything
• see it as duty - not necessarily delight
• wonder what the point is if all of the above is true

And I am completely convinced that when you make that choice- you will be AMAZED at the fruit that comes.  You'll be AMAZED at how His {still quiet small} voice will become louder than all the rest.  You'll be AMAZED at how you LONG to hear it.  You'll be AMAZED by how much He actually IS pursuing YOU (and you thought you were doing all the work?!) You'll be AMAZED at the verses he takes you to and how they relate so perfectly to what's happening in your world at that moment!

And then one day- You'll just wake up and before you get out of bed, you WANT to talk to HIM! 

It won't always be easy, you won't always be flooded w deep revelation.  I think its like a friendship w your best friend - sometimes you are "on" and finishing eachothers sentences and then others - things are a little "off"... but you still keep hanging out with the friend and {hopefully}it comes back "On" again and both of you are better for the dry season.  Your relationship is stronger bc you weathered the storm.  You have learned to love deeper and value what you have. And You believe its worth it!

So ask yourself: Do you believe its worth it to pursue God?  Do you believe its worth it to seek His voice?  Do you believe its worth it to be obedient when it doesn't make ANY sense what he's asking you to do? 

I think its a daily struggle sometimes- but how bout today?  Is it worth it?

For me- it totally is!