Shame

This morning - I heard Nate get up as I was in the other room.  Typically, he will get up, go potty and come find me - either to snuggle w me in my bed if I'm not quite up yet, or to give me a hug when i'm on the couch spending time w Jesus, or will at the very least poke his head in the room I'm in and smile.  All of this usually happens w in the first 15 min he's awake.

Today, he never came to say good morning or give me my hug.  After about 30 min (I was spending time w the Lord w my sweet friend LeeAnn) I went in to find him sitting in his undies and the t-shirt he slept in playing beside his bed with all the clothes (that we so carefully put ON the bed last night for easier sorting for me this wkd) strewn on either side of the floor. 

Come to find out- he had wet the bed last night and was searching for pants that were to his liking (Jeans w out holes in the knee- a rarity at our house).  When he couldn't find a pair, he just resolved to stay in his room and play.

I realized he never came to me because he was ashamed.  Ashamed he had wet the bed, and then ashamed he couldn't cover it up by finding clothes to his liking, and maybe even ashamed he'd made the mess w all the clothes everywhere after we just cleaned up last night.   So in his shame - he decided to just sit and play (in hiding) and never come seek me out. 

When I found him - not dressed and just playing after being up for so long, he looked at me almost as if he'd been caught doing something bad. The main reason I sought him out was because I missed the morning with him! I missed being the first one he ran to! I missed his little "I Love You Mommy"!  I missed his big hug and contented silence as he just let me wrap my arms around him tight and squeeze him.

How often do we do this with God?

How often- once we make a mistake, either accidentally or deliberately even, do we distance ourselves from Him? 

Maybe its because of fear of punishment, maybe because of shame or disappointment in ourselves, maybe just because we're embarassed bc its not the first time and its messy... but regardless- How often do we choose NOT run in to say "Good Morning God" bc we only see our junk and assume he does too?  How much does HE miss us?! How much is he sad/hurt that we didn't run STRAIGHT to him first thing?  How much does he want to help us clean up our mess, "put our pants back on", and move on to the rest of the day? How much does he want to hug us and tell us he still LOVES us - no matter how many times we 'wet the bed'?

Its crazy to me that the hiding and shame thing is so instinctual.  We dont TEACH our kids that- do we? We don't usually have insane consequences for thier trials.... and yet- they still hide and even lie sometimes when faced with 'sin'.  I think sometimes they know its the 5th or 12th time they've had the same issue and they FEEL instinctively that they should "have it" by now.   Don't we do that too!?  Don't we disqualify ourselves from being used by God just bc we did THAT again?

I am sure that is not what our daddy wants.  I am SURE that he LOVES us no matter what.  I am SURE that any problem we have or mistake we make can be made right SO much quicker with HIS help, His perspective, HIS grace.  I think he's more sad when we dont RUN to Him w our mistakes and instead run away from Him in hiding.

So my question to you is: do you believe you CAN run to him?  And do you believe (even the 20th time) that when you make mistakes and sin that he still LOVES you and LONGS for your hug in the morning, your smile, your voice saying "I Love You"? 

I think I'm starting to.

Weekend Update

This weekend has been CRAZY and Busy and WONDERFUL all at the same time!! :)

Saturday morning, my wonderful TEAM MOXIE friends all met up at Moxie Girl Chrissy's house on Swiss for a group Walk/Run! It was tons of fuN! She had the route all mapped out for us... I'm not sure how long i actually RAN... but i did run some... (prob less than everyone else though! I'm sooo the slowest and one that gets tired easiest!! how I long to run with ease like the majority of my 'team'! Man!) Chrissy tells us we did 1.5 mi.. and it took about 35 min.

After the run, I ran off to Softball practice. Yes folks- I'm playing Softball! I like going to the games and have been at almost every one for the last couple of yrs... it's always been such a fun time of fellowship and community- but usually I'm just sitting in the stands. This time, I'll be in the Dugout (most of the game I'm sure!) and I'll be part of a team! I'm excited!

So practice was fine- i was only there about 30 min or so bc I had a baby shower to goto... but later that night, my arm and side were SO SORE!!! I guess I"m not used to those muscles workin! Even the muscle in my left hand (Glove hand) between my thumb and first finger was sore from moving the glove closed when I was catching the ball! So weird! But I feel like its a good thing!! No Pain - No Gain!! :)

After that- I got to goto a Jump party for some fantastic 4 yr olds w my little man! I didn't jump nearly as much as I did at Pump it up! BUT i managed a few minutes here and there w my little guy! It was SO much fun playing w him! And I LOVED having more energy to chase him around!

So one negative thing about Sat... and all the activity... my KNEES ARE KILLING ME! They hurt soooo bad! I can barely jog w out feeling pain - seems like its kinda in the joints when I put my foot down and its the impact or something that is hurting it. I really dont' want to be stopped before I START on this whole running thing... its annoying to not only have to overcome myself and motivation, and just trying to run endurance wise, but also having to overcome the physical thing too! UGH!

Oh well! hopefully it will all be ok. i'm resting today because of it. And to be honest, I'm happy about that. I just REALLY want to hit my goal of the 5k in june- running the WHOLE thing.

Sunday was the softball game and I didn't play much. I did get to throw a lot during the day (my arm needs work!) and practice w some of my friends. It was fun to have something to do that I enjoyed!! (even if my arm and side and back ARE sore!) I went up to bat twice .. and I'll be working on my swing this week hopefully! (never been to a "batting Cages" before so that could be fuN!).

I think thats my recap of activity for the weekend. As hard as running STILL is for me (even at just 3 minutes), I'm so happy to be transforming my life into one w LOTS of activity! :) I've never been a super physically active person (just really SOCIALLY active) and so its really fun to be changing my life- one day at a time!

Love,
The TIRED and SORE but believing its worth it RIT
Tiff

Week 2 is hard already!!

I decided I wanted to move right away into Wk 2. (That is 5 min walk, 3 min runs Four times)...

I knew it was going to be tough, so I texted a few of my "running girls" to see if anyone could meet me. Luckily Margaret was free! Yay! I decided we should meet in the middle and get a change of scenery and so we went to White Rock (it was in the middle between work and where Marg was and I've been wanting to go out there but not really by myself!)

I LOVE lakes and so I thought it would motivate me if I had something pretty to look at...

WEll... it started ok... we got on the trail and we were off... 10 min walking to warm up and then the time was coming for the first 3 min set. It started off just fine... no biggie... I felt like it was FOREVER... looked at my watch at 2min or so... and was like- man! Ok... Keep going! (Marg was a big help too!) So we pushed it ... i looked at the watch again... 20 seconds left... so we decided I had to run to a certain tree before I could look again... I did and guess what? I ran 10 seconds over!!! So that was a good one!

The second time around, I ran and started getting that side pain again about 40 seconds from the end of the 3 min. IT HURT!!! A LOT! So I made it the whole 3 minutes... BARELY.... and then was in pain as we walked... SOOO I was the time keeper and Marg and I were just chatting away and I kinda never told her when the time was up for us to run again! OOPS! :) I just didnt' want to! She didn't seem to notice.

Everytime a bicycler rode past us I was LONGING to be on something that would carry me far and fast... instead of having to use my own body to do so! Marg swears it isn't any easier.... but i'm pretty sure it is! I used to have a bike and I LOVED to ride... and go fast... and just travel wherever... now walking and running... its so hard to LOVE. Actually I'm doing good to just not LOATHE it!!! :)

It was getting late (Marg had to be somewherE) so I told her she could run ahead... in which case she asked when we do the next interval run and I said...uh... 10 min ago!!! Twice by now!!:) So after that, she didn't want to run ahead... she wanted to make me run... sooo... we did. However at about 2:20 my side was hurting again, we were going uphill, the sun was BEATING down, and it was MISERABLE... so I just stopped running to walk. Of course as soon as marg noticed she was on me to "Pick up your feet! Move!! Jog, or at least BOUNCE!!!" So I did... for like another 10 -15 seconds... and then we're on this steep incline... and I'm DYING, my KNEES were hurting and I stopped again... She got on me again (which I'm thankful for) and so i started sorta running again... till the end.... but I prob only got in about 2:45 of actual running... w all the stops and starts.

I did NOT feel good in the end. I wasn't exhillerated, or even proud of myself really. Ya I upped it to 3 min... but I didnt' complete 4 cycles... just 3... and a weak 3 at that. I kinda felt like I failed Wk 2 #1! Like I should redo it bc it didn't count... Honestly, I was disappointed. I was disappointed that it was so hard! I was disappointed that I didn't push through, disappointed that my knee hurt, disappointed that I wanted to quit bc it was hard and HOT HOT HOT! I really started to wonder if I REALLY am cut out for this running thing.. or if this was just some crazy LOFTY goal.

Of course I feel like some of that emotion could be bc yesterday was the first FULL day of that wonderful time of the month. And I consoled myself later in the evening by remembering that most of the time on the FIRST day, I'm bloated and barely do ANYTHING... and at least I was out exercising for 45 min and ran some of that. But... thats a weak consolation right now. I just dont know if i CAN do this! I mean, I want to... I'm gonna work hard on it... I'm going to push myself... but I'm lacking the faith or even that hope that I'll be able to run the whole 5K in June... and then I'll feel like I failed.

Its dumb... I know! It really is. I'm doing SOMETHING... and surely the endurance and strength will be built up... surely! But the idea of running 5 min at a time or even 8 min in the next couple of weeks... really scares me... bc I dont know if I have it in me. I'm not totally discouraged and I'm not giving up... but I'm bummed! This is REALLY hard.

I feel like changing the verse Phil 4:13- I think i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, or I really hope I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Sigh.........

Till next time,
Tiff

Workout stats: Time: 45 min, Distance: 2 mi (ish), Run Time: 8 min, 55 seconds. (should have been 12 min!)

The First Morning After

10:00am

So last night, I put Nate down and crashed by 10:30pm (this is EARLY EARLY for me if you dont know me!) This morning I didn't even hear my alarm clock until around 7:50am. It'd been going on for a while (its set for 6:45am). So needless to say, I was a bit late for work.

How do I feel? Well... the second I turned over and opened my eyes, I realized my back hurt a bit, my abs were a bit sore and my left hip flexor (I think thats what its called- the part on the front of your leg where your hip connects to your leg?) are quite sore. Upon further investigation- a lot of me is sore! BUT- thats good- right? No Pain No Gain!!

I actually feel a LITTLE more energetic this morning overall- despite the soreness. Not a lot- mind you... but a tiny bit! I even feel like I'm walking straighter, standing taller- WEIRD and prob all in my head... but... alas, thats how I feel!


Now I'm just trying to figure out when I'll be able to exercise again. I want to push myself. This will be a process and change can't possibly happen overnight, but I can do this!! (friends- dont let me give up on myself when it gets hard! PLEASE!!!! I want this! Remind me of that. I started it.) FYI as you might have noticed, this blog is going to be a bit of me trying to motivate myself to do the stuff that I've never wanted to do (work out consistently, etc)


Anyway, I'm going to change me. One Day at a TIME! :)


That reminds me of a song by Sanctus Real:
Change Me

Did I change your mind with
What I said last night?
Did I break your heart by
Straying so far?
From what you have in mind
For my life?

Would you change me from
Who I've been lately?
'Cause I know I'm nothing
Without you

Did my words betray the
Patience I once claimed
Can't you see it in my face?
I need your grace

Would you change me from
Who I've been lately?
'Cause I know I'm nothing
Without you
Would you save me from
The way I've been lately?
'Cause I can't see living
Without you

Would you change me from
Who I've been lately?
'Cause I know I'm nothing
without you
Would you break me from
The way I've been lately?
'Cause I can't see living
Without you