Shame

This morning - I heard Nate get up as I was in the other room.  Typically, he will get up, go potty and come find me - either to snuggle w me in my bed if I'm not quite up yet, or to give me a hug when i'm on the couch spending time w Jesus, or will at the very least poke his head in the room I'm in and smile.  All of this usually happens w in the first 15 min he's awake.

Today, he never came to say good morning or give me my hug.  After about 30 min (I was spending time w the Lord w my sweet friend LeeAnn) I went in to find him sitting in his undies and the t-shirt he slept in playing beside his bed with all the clothes (that we so carefully put ON the bed last night for easier sorting for me this wkd) strewn on either side of the floor. 

Come to find out- he had wet the bed last night and was searching for pants that were to his liking (Jeans w out holes in the knee- a rarity at our house).  When he couldn't find a pair, he just resolved to stay in his room and play.

I realized he never came to me because he was ashamed.  Ashamed he had wet the bed, and then ashamed he couldn't cover it up by finding clothes to his liking, and maybe even ashamed he'd made the mess w all the clothes everywhere after we just cleaned up last night.   So in his shame - he decided to just sit and play (in hiding) and never come seek me out. 

When I found him - not dressed and just playing after being up for so long, he looked at me almost as if he'd been caught doing something bad. The main reason I sought him out was because I missed the morning with him! I missed being the first one he ran to! I missed his little "I Love You Mommy"!  I missed his big hug and contented silence as he just let me wrap my arms around him tight and squeeze him.

How often do we do this with God?

How often- once we make a mistake, either accidentally or deliberately even, do we distance ourselves from Him? 

Maybe its because of fear of punishment, maybe because of shame or disappointment in ourselves, maybe just because we're embarassed bc its not the first time and its messy... but regardless- How often do we choose NOT run in to say "Good Morning God" bc we only see our junk and assume he does too?  How much does HE miss us?! How much is he sad/hurt that we didn't run STRAIGHT to him first thing?  How much does he want to help us clean up our mess, "put our pants back on", and move on to the rest of the day? How much does he want to hug us and tell us he still LOVES us - no matter how many times we 'wet the bed'?

Its crazy to me that the hiding and shame thing is so instinctual.  We dont TEACH our kids that- do we? We don't usually have insane consequences for thier trials.... and yet- they still hide and even lie sometimes when faced with 'sin'.  I think sometimes they know its the 5th or 12th time they've had the same issue and they FEEL instinctively that they should "have it" by now.   Don't we do that too!?  Don't we disqualify ourselves from being used by God just bc we did THAT again?

I am sure that is not what our daddy wants.  I am SURE that he LOVES us no matter what.  I am SURE that any problem we have or mistake we make can be made right SO much quicker with HIS help, His perspective, HIS grace.  I think he's more sad when we dont RUN to Him w our mistakes and instead run away from Him in hiding.

So my question to you is: do you believe you CAN run to him?  And do you believe (even the 20th time) that when you make mistakes and sin that he still LOVES you and LONGS for your hug in the morning, your smile, your voice saying "I Love You"? 

I think I'm starting to.