His Bounty

Leap of Faith

Things have been pretty tight financially since quitting my job.. (actually who am I kidding... they were tight before quitting my job!) and this month they were the tightest they've been.  I wasnt' sure how Rent was going to get paid, but somehow things always work out... So, I wrote my roommate a check and told her she couldn't cash it. It was a long weekend as I prayed and tried to figure out what I could do to make up the money. Monday came around and my circumstances hadn't changed. Actually- I'd had 2 photoshoots cancel over the weekend where I would have gotten pd.  I was super discouraged.  Well luckily on Monday, I had some stuff come in from previous work and was pd in advance for a couple other things I'm working on - so Rent got pd in the nick of time and I had $3 left in my bank account after the check was cashed - but I felt RICH! I was thankful! Relieved. I didn't' know how other bills/gas/food was going to work out- but I paid my roommate and God provided.

BREAKING POINT - Sunday

However, through this process the last few weeks, I started to really question God's love for me. And Sunday was my breaking point. I've always been a person full of hope and faith, but on Sunday I was just telling Him I'd had it and he was not being faithful to His promises to provide for me, or the word he gave me in 2007 of having "financial Abundance in order to not just meet my own need, but to bless others."  Its been hard since I took the scary leap of faith that I felt He called me to (quitting job) but never as hard as it was this month... at Christmas.. .when I have a 6 yr old who I want to provide for. 

 So at church Sunday during ministry time, they were singing "How He Loves Us" and I was just sobbing- not bc I didnt' have money bc I knew that would work out some how... (it kinda always does in my world thankfully) but bc I felt like he didn't really love me.  I started to believe that song wasn't about me.  I was the exception. He had forgotten me. My family struggled financially as I grew up and now I was following in their footsteps.  I started to believe that he called me out onto a tree branch to just saw it off behind me and I was sad and more than that, deeply, deeply, hurt. I sobbed more than I've cried in a year. And it wasn't about the rent.  It was just about feeling forgotten and unloved.  

I cried most of the day on and off.  Couldn't stop. Was just so hurt and sad. 

Side note: BEST CHILD EVER

So Nate was around and knew I wasn't ok, but just kinda played, etc.  Well, towards the end of the day, I had been doing ok but then a friend called to check on me from earlier and I started crying again.  Nate got in my lap and just stared intently at my face.... every time a tear would roll down my cheek, he would wipe it off. So sweet.  So when I hung up, he told me everything was goign to be ok.  And then he prayed for me.  It was simple - "God, please bring my mommy a husband so she doesn't have to be alone. And God help her to not be sad because she thinks you dont love her - because it isn't true, you do love her. And Jesus Name amen."

And then he told me some knock knock jokes to make me laugh.  So so sweet.

Then he got in bed and asked me to come in and pray w him. 

He prayed: "God, thank you that we have this house and thank you that we aren't poor like the people that don't have a house. And thank you that we have food.  And God please help them to not be poor anymore so they have a place to live and food to eat.  In Jesus Name, Amen." I started crying again... I love that kid. He is so empathetic and he truly has wisdom beyond his years.

I think that was the turning point for me.  He put things in perspective.  We have a warm home, we have clothes, we have a fridge full of food, we have transportation, and we are truly RICH.  My heart started to soften then. I started to relax and His peace overwhelmed me.  I was still in Need, but it just didn't seem so big anymore. 

DAY OF LOVE:: WEdnesday

So during the day yesterday, a girl I used to disciple called and said she wanted to take me to shop for Nate for Christmas. I was thrilled $and so thankful and had a blast getting him stuff that I prob wouldn't have this yr (like a super cute robe and adorable jammies from Children's Place!) I was blown away and just felt like God was showing me He was going to provide for Nate even when I had JUST told my roommate that I wasn't sure I would be buying Nate presents - but that he'd just have to be ok w stuff from extended fam, grand parents, etc (which honestly would be plenty!). But God met a need that I didn't even ask for. He went over and above and He blessed my sweet little boy through this friend. 

Then last night, we had a great lg at my house.  I was supposed to lead worship and though I didnt' feel like I had much to give after all of the crying, etc this week, Holy Spirit showed up and guided our worship and it was a sweet sweet time singing about spending time with him and His love for us.  

So then, a close friend showed up at the end of LG to supposedly talk... but after a few minutes, one by one more and more of my single friends showed up at my house and came in. I was pretty surprised to see everyone and not sure what they were doing here, but then when everyone got situated standing in a big circle alll smiling and staring at me, they just said something like "We just wanted to let you know that God does love you. And we do too. So we all got together in the last 2 days and raised some money for you" And then they pull out this huge posterboard check in the amount of $2090.00. 

I was just in shock! 30 single people 12 days before Christmas all gave enough money to get me 2 THOUSAND 90 dollars! And you have to understand, the demographic of these sweet friends is quite varied - from ages 22-31 with all different types of jobs & responsibilities... from Students to Businessmen.  And THEY gave to ME abundantly, unselfishly, extravagantly.  I couldn't laugh or cry or even talk - (sorry friends for the anticlimactic response!). I was just so surprised! And SERIOUSLY SPEECHLESS - which as most of you know RARELY happens for me.  I was just so thankful - but soooo overwhelmed and truly blown away by community. It just couldnt' sink in. 

BOUNTIFUL

Acts 2:42-47 which is our vision for life groups, talks about how the church in Acts all came together and gave to one another as they had need. If this isn't an example of that - I'm not sure what is!!

Its also finally setting in today that God does truly love me and he isn't ignoring me and I'm not forgotten and I'm definitely not alone. And i know that HE WILL provide for me and not just measly scraps or leftovers- but LAVISH gifts fit for a daughter of a King. 

I read in Jeremiah this morning as I was worshiping and trying to process the depths of this, I was led to Jer 31.  The end of Verse 13 -14 says:"I will turn their morning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. I will satisfy the priests with abundance, and my people will be filled with my bounty," declares the Lord.

So what stuck out to me in that verse was the word BOUNTY.   I looked up the word to see what exactly it meant and I found: 

Definition of BOUNTY1: something that is given generously
2: liberality in giving : generosity

So that fits - huh? My community filled me with His BOUNTY.  They were the fulfillment of this Promise from the Lord to me. 

My roommate in all her wisdom last night said that she thought I would continue to process and unpack this and that it would sink in slowly all that this gift means to me and Nate.  But more importantly probably is that the revelation is sinking in that I'm not the red-headed step child - the one that may not actually starve but only gets His leftovers. I'm not destined to be barely getting by like my family when I was growing up.  No, that is a lie.  I am a daughter of the King.  I am a Princess with Keys to the Kingdom. I have a seat at His banquet table.  I have access to His riches...  and finally my Daddy loves me and He will goto EXTRAVAGANT links to make SURE that I dont ever doubt that for too long!

I. Am. Loved.  Its still sinking in. But I know today without a doubt that its true.